Lust and Lies

"It was lust" 3 simple word that came out from her mouth that shattered my heart into pieces.

It wasn't easy, for 6 months I have been hoping to bring back what we started. I conquered the islands just to be next to her, but It was no use... It only drag both of us to an end. I though I could take the pain, but I was wrong! It's really inside me, and its breaking me apart... Work and Family is my only outlet and I'm doing it all wrong again.. For I just keep on shutting off people in my life, the way she shut me offs.

Worse come to worse. She said I was pushing it too hard that everytime she receives a txt message from me, it makes her feel more angrier with me! I cried when she said that.. But I never showed her any single pain, I burst out with anger and just answered back like a baby who thinks she's in the right track. Actually, I never cared it was lust. I only care that she lied to me... I deserve better than that, don't I? Somehow, I can't blame her.. Our age gap is also a factor that even to the smallest thing, we argue like kids! My pride is high and so is hers...

I just wish, we never started anything to keep the friendship we had. Well, we were never good friends but ever since she came into my life... I saw the best and worse in me.

Selfish Me

Me, myself and I

“I” yes me! The selfish me, reading all my messages during arguments with the woman I love made me realize how selfish I am. I never thought, I would realize that I am such a selfish bastard. You know, there’s this woman that I truly adore… chose to break my heart because she’s very faithful with her faith and having a relationship with me makes her a sinner. So, yeah, that’s how it works... I am the sin.
Anyway, she always reminded me that there’s always a difference between understanding and practice. I thought she was just being righteous, but no, she wasn’t. She was right. Just like me, I keep on saying I understand what she’s going through… I did, but it’s different if I am at her shoes. She’s sacrificed enough for me. I kept on yelling “you don’t love me”, “you are just fooling around” and “you are just doing this for experience.” I didn’t realize I am making my own problem. I was just being so selfish. What a bastard!

Now, I will be trying my best to practice the art of acceptance. I have to accept that I can never change her mind, I can never convince her that I love her in spite of the physical differences I have with men. That I accept everything about her – “maldita” , “bossy” , “OC” , and nagger. I love these things first before I love more her good side – loving sister, friend and girlfriend. An Awesome daughter of God, and has a heart of a Good Samaritan. See, how awesome she is? One more thing, she’s the only woman who made me write again….

My selfishness will soon be gone… Praying.. Hoping.. Wishing.. Practicing… again , you may not be able to love me the way you did before but Please keep in mind, I will love you till your last breathe.. I’m not saying this because of strong emotions I am feeling for you, I’m saying these because I am sure of you. Too bad, we don’t have the same stand on that..

Reality bites.

note: Sorry for the grammar

KYSS MIG 2011

watch the trailer:





MIA (Ruth Vega Fernandez) and FRIDA (Liv Mjönes), both in their thirties, meet each other for the first time at their parents' engagement party. Mia's father, Lasse (Krister Henriksson), is about to get married to Frida's mother, Elizabeth (Lena Endre), which will make Mia and Frida stepsisters. Lasse's daughter, Mia, has not visited her father in years and arrives with her boyfriend, Tim (Joakim Nätterqvist), with whom she is about to get married. As Mia and Frida get to know one another, strong emotions begin to stir between them. Their relationship will turn everything upside down for everyone close to them with dramatic consequences.

Overwhelming Pain

Forgive the grammar, I am in the middle of killing myself. (lol)

I've been through a lot of pain. The kind of pain where you can't breathe while sleeping, were all you have is your pillow to lean on. But this one is different, it's disturbing... The fact the you both know you can be together but because of faith, you can't. It's so frustrating, hurtful and insane.

I keep on praying you'll stay. Keep me and your faith. But I know you can't do both, and here I am, with a broken heart and still praying for the good things to happen. you keep on telling me, I am selfish. Am I? Can't you see, I am not pushing the situation anymore, I try to keep the pain, but the pain of loosing you is killing me. I can't help but cry, cry for you to stay.

I feel helpless, I don't know what else to do. Words, Words, I'm running out of words expressing the pain that is present. damn, I wish I could just hug you right now.. Kiss you, reminding you that it'll be okay. But I know you wouldn't believe that. You should follow what your Faith says to you. You should do the right thing, right? Just so you know, this feeling is taking control of me, I've tried my best to let go of you but I don't want too. I shouldn't love you, but I want too. I don't know how to be fine when I know I'm not.

I wish you could pray and also love me. The bible never said to let go of the people you love.

You keep on teaching me to be hard on love. You know what? I'd rather take all the pain, than holdback and be hard on myself. I love you. It won't change anything if I stop myself from loving you. You are everything I have ever wish for. If letting go is your choice, then, be it.. I will respect that but I won't. You may not talk to me anymore,it doesn't matter... Who says you can't love someone without communication? Believe me, my love is much stronger than anything else.

Note: grabe ka lain ang feeling buy-an nimo ang "naa" na nmo na gusto nga tao, to spend your life with!

Arena of Love and Pain

What game are you in? Is it for fun or for you to win someone’s heart? Whatever it is, here’s my opinion, it’s like you have to win someone who has a heart of a lion. You are in a arena where you have to behead a dragon.


I’ve been playing it, and it’s already burning me, the dragon is still alive and my heart is already burning. The situation is killing me but still, here I am trying to win with all my effort… I am very hurt yet it’ll hurt more if I’ll leave the arena without doing anything. That’s how love works… The person may push you away, telling you to stop but if you are sure that he/she is the one you want to pursue, don’t give up. Life is unfair, and so is love, and so is people. You just don’t need to be one of them. Be fair, fall in love, win someone’s heart, the sound of the fight will make you stronger.


And for my heart, carry on, we will make it through. Just beat till you bleed. Love till you know it’s over. Let h** hurt us like misery, but it’ll be well. We will just hope that she’ll see that we’re real and just here to hold on to love her unendingly.

a little smile

I wish you could read through my mind and maybe they could speak louder than I do because I just can't tell you everything and I might not be always with you. But I think of you in any way that a normal mind wouldn't normally do, yeah, true. (despite of all the imperfections you have which. Ironically, perfections to me) If only I could tell you how much I wish I were to you (which maybe is impossible)I'd still wish for your real happiness and hope that you wouldn't forget me or if you should, I hope the times you spent with me would be enough to paint a little, just a little smile on your face. :)

Life is like gambling

I gamble a lot if I am with my family. We play cards and when I am starting to win I play more and more! And end up losing in the end. Well, this is how it works; when we gave a lot of bet on something that we forget to “pause and think” we do some errors that cannot be taken back. Like my money, I bet a lot so I lose a lot.

In life, we bet a lot. We take risk without thinking what could be the possible things that could happen after doing such thing we aren’t sure. We only have one life to live, take care of it. Think hard and try to balance the decisions you’ll be making, because there are no U-turns in life. We can never take back what we lost, so whoever and whatever that’s in your life now, treasure it. If you don’t like these people or things, well then, go for the one you like. But if there’s enough reason to stay, then stay. You never know, these are your foundation of living aside from our God up above.

In gambling, we think hard to know what cards are to be used and ignore. Just like life, we think hard to be able to have good and better results. That’s the reason God gave us a heart and mind to use it wisely.

Photo courtesy: Life is like Gambling